The · Name · of · Brahman · is · Satya

I'm just going to say that my grandma died yesterday.

And I can't decide if it feels like she is really dead or not.

She had a stroke, and then exactly one week (almost to the minute)of shock, hospital, and later, hospice, cafeteria coffee, near constant crying by at least one family member, forty million urgent cell phone calls, and waiting room sleep later, she was gone.

I feel good that my family and I got to say goodbye.

I feel good that my cousin and her husband are pregnant so the family has something to look forward to, and that grandma got to know and be excited about it before she died.

I'm going to sing her favorite song at the funeral, and I have to get my tears out of me before that.

I just said really simply, "How does a circle exist with only half it's center?"

I said, "I am just going to miss her."

He said, "I will take all of your tears."

I was waiting to be alone with him, but I think I might just be waiting to be alone.

And now, it's like it's so appropriate some how...

My mom is moving in with my grandpa, into her old house. It's a big old house with a big yard and they won't get in each other's way and they will probably get a dog.

And I am moving into my apartment with Jeff. No more of this house.

So we're cleaning things out, and packing things up, and setting out for different.

And it's fall, which to me has always meant new beginnings, whether good or bad.

It's like all signs are pointing to NEW LIFE CHAPTER.

You know you are officially grown up when your parent feels comfortable enough with you moving in with your (pretty much) spouse that she is moving out of your childhood home herself.

And somehow, we all ended up staying in fucking town. You know who you are.

This year needs structure, this year needs normal. This mother needs me, that father needs her.

This year is my experiment with easier, with ordinary.

Yeah, we'll see.

After that, this me needs-

This me will have her own needs. And I don't have to know what they will be yet.

I think our generation, more so than our parent's, feels more like achieving your dreams is possible regardless of age and circumstance, i.e. it's never too late for things to get better. Let's hope this trend grows with time.

As you know, hopeless/helplessness is nothing if conducive to apathy and inactivity, which only feeds the cycle. And who needs that? Indeed I am seeing more how I used to see, and that is just fine. Just fine.

Is anyone besides me, Megan, Steph and Lindz ever going to go dancing? The Escape? Fall term is just around the corner, we need to get on this.

(Honestly, most of the time, I feel like all I need is just one. A couple of somebodies -and more than that I think/hope- know what I'm talking about. And I wish that distance wasn't "in", even to those who think being "in" is "out", or pretend it doesn't affect them at all.)

I feel like all she needs now, and all I ever needed, was a little hope.

I now have to take not one but two not-for-credit math classes.

Under usual circumstances I would be ordering the nearest person to kill me right about now.

But yesterday I woke up in the morning, and I did this morning too.
It's like the last hot day of summer, what is every one up to???

As to why, I couldn't tell you, but I am really excited right now.

Okay so I work at Noah's Bagels in Lake Oswego. Almost every shift I have is a closing one. Each night, unless someone comes to pick up the bagels as a donation, around 100 bagels are thrown away. This was really tormenting me, and so every night I closed I started to take them to Jeff's apartment where he would then take them to the Rescue Mission downtown on the bus, whenever he got the chance.
But we both work a lot and have a lot of things going on, and the hundreds of bagels are stinking up the apartment when they sit there for a few days, and it's hard to take them on the bus because the bags are very heavy, and they start to add up after a while.
But I cannot let them be thrown away all the time.
I did today, and it just was horrible.
Because unlike most delis and restaurants, where they force the food to be thrown away, if someone comes to take the bagels from Noah's as a donation, Noah's lets them take them.
Free 100 ish bagels to what ev organization comes to get them.
PLEASE !!!!! If you have an organization, or other ideas of how to make use of these or even other Noah's bagels, post your thoughts. I'm at my wits end trying to do it myself but I can't let this food be wasted when the company will freely give it if people only ask for it at the end of the day.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

My bedroom should actually be declared a national disaster site.
And that is a starting point.

Yesterday was orientation! I am so excited! I'm taking this amazing class called System Earth which will be like AP Envi Sci on a way huger scale, and French 101, and Voice for the Actor 1, which will hopefully become Acting 1 after the first week when people drop things and I can switch. The book lists come out Aug. 29th, and I get a free planner, and all of my classes are in between the hours of 10 and 4, and I am just really excited. I already said that. But I am! and I'm excited over my own excitement because I didn't know if it was going to exist or not, but it does! Hurrah.

Hey are you wishing something new?
And missing something old?
Are you trying to forget remember what you were once told?

Hey are you looking to the future?
And living in the past?
Did you mean it when you said that you wanted it to last?

To build memories you laugh
And to remember you cry
Can you still feel what it's like to want to try?

And they say they have a dream
And they know what they want to do
But no one isn't scared like me, and like you

So there is this thing called journey
And everyone's doing it
And we're all going to be some else once we've lived through it

And the truth is change and here
And the truth is something to be, and some where to go
And the truth is-

Life for pretty much everyone I know is starting a new chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Today's Lesson (which really actually is pretty much everyday's lesson or at least it should be if one could avoid playing misery loves company games and generally being una douchbaga):

"Nothing is, Nothing will be, everything has reality and presence."

It is really painfully obvious that certain things have changed, and that is very sad.

But then again I wonder if maybe it's for the best because of the time frame?

Oh, man.

So here's the thing:
I have a want to say my million unsayable things.

Sometimes I don't even have secrets with myself.

And you are the person I want to be with most, so why am I with you the least?

It's sad the way that friendly things can be seen as strange, but I do it too.

I was looking my cousin's dog in the eyes today, and it was like looking into the eyes of a person when they are having some kind of intense feeling or thought and you can't read it at all.

The solution to my earlier/present/when are they not problems might be time.

But.

Isn't it interesting to think that when you are frustrated and venting (don't pretend like you don't do it) about someone, it's likely that someone else or maybe that person is doing the same about you? (Notice: No one think I'm talking about anyone in particular -I'm not, this is conceptual- and mistake this for drama, por favor).

I heard about a game called therapy where you basically tell all of the people present what you don't like about them, and it struck me as hilarious.

Sometimes there are people that drive me absolutely insane because they remind me of how I used to be. Also hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, I need a good, for-no-real-reason laugh.

I'm hungry. In alot of ways.

Do you ever get the feeling like you just want to leave everything you've ever known?

I could be just about done here.

Do you remember the pact we made that if it ever gets to be too much, we'd just leave?

Well...

Maybe I am this way because of everything that is that way.

But I think I need this.

I do!

oh just fuck it all, I refuse to do anything but exactly what I want, bitches.

As the school I go to has blocked access to the livejournal website and I do not have a home computer, my updates and chances to see other's updates will be very limited and occasional from now on.

I am sitting alone in Mr.Hartmann's room, it's very, very quiet, and I'm feeling less ill than I have in a while.
There is a beautiful pair of rabbits traveling the room, I am seeing first hand why we say that they hop when they move.
There isn't anything that I can do except try to take this day to it's full potential.
And do with purpose.
I'm okay with that, right now.

Me: "When you say Russel it sounds like wrestle. Like, 'wanna Russel?' Oh my god, that's probably what he says before he has sex!"
Kellie: "ha ha yes I wish my name was Russel so I could use that line!"

Our later conclusion was that Kellie's man-voiced alter ego is named Russel.

I want you to know that they will make me happy too (especially if they make you happy) and if you're ever crying or sad I will bring them in teaspoons to play on the bedsheets or in your hands (where my heart is).

Tonight= topless dance party (to rap) with Anna, Annie, and Kellie. In Anna's living room. With the curtains open.
Really, is there anything else to say?
Yes, there is.
"They should really have handles to hold when you try to drop it like it's hot." -Anna

"Hey, I have a jet pack. I'm only ten times cooler than you. Okay, maybe infinity." -Anna

I got into OSU and PSU, officially, for sure! Woop woop!

I over heard my mom talking to my aunt about this and she said:
"Yeah, it is really exciting, but we're kind of freaked out too. At least I am. It's like, my best friend is going away and I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself."

Okay so I absolutely died of love for her. That is probably the sweetest thing I've heard her say.

I love everybody.

I think I should take a page out of Kellie's book sometimes and absolutely not give an F if someone is being mean about something I believe in, or me, or my friends, but just see it completely as their issue, let it roll off my back and not ever even think of it again, (which is really saying something about this girl, to not even think about it). Sometimes I shouldn't, but sometimes I should.
Because I think it helps foster my new end of senior year motto:
"I don't want to make a plan for a day far away, while I'm young and while I'm able all I want to do is..."
Play.

"And I know you're under me but I must confess what's in my head: to me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes, and the tender warmth inside is released into my life and it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face. As the smoke reaches the sky, know I'll burn for you tonight."

"When I am alone, when I've thrown back the weight from this crazy stone, when I've lost all care for the things I own, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, you are my home. Now here is what I know now, here is what I know now; my salvation lies in your love."

You're perfect, and I love you.

So I'm just going to say this, because I think, as I've said before, that I am a more private person than
I realize, and often times I think I'm being really obvious about how I'm feeling, and then if people don't respond I feel sad, like they don't care (or didn't read my mind?), but they probably just don't know. Why is this weirding me out? I'm actually kind of nervous. Er, here goes:
My boyfriend is leaving for two months on Saturday morning. I am going to be very very sad. I would really like it and feel good if my girlfriends maybe did something with me saturday night, like we all went out to 24 hour starbucks, or went in to watch movies, or something.
whoa. okay. That wasn't so hard, was it?
God, I am a strange person.