The Name of Brahman is Satya

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 20:02:45 GMT

I'm just going to say that my grandma died yesterday.

And I can't decide if it feels like she is really dead or not.

She had a stroke, and then exactly one week (almost to the minute)of shock, hospital, and later, hospice, cafeteria coffee, near constant crying by at least one family member, forty million urgent cell phone calls, and waiting room sleep later, she was gone.

I feel good that my family and I got to say goodbye.

I feel good that my cousin and her husband are pregnant so the family has something to look forward to, and that grandma got to know and be excited about it before she died.

I'm going to sing her favorite song at the funeral, and I have to get my tears out of me before that.

I just said really simply, "How does a circle exist with only half it's center?"

I said, "I am just going to miss her."

He said, "I will take all of your tears."

I was waiting to be alone with him, but I think I might just be waiting to be alone.

And now, it's like it's so appropriate some how...

My mom is moving in with my grandpa, into her old house. It's a big old house with a big yard and they won't get in each other's way and they will probably get a dog.

And I am moving into my apartment with Jeff. No more of this house.

So we're cleaning things out, and packing things up, and setting out for different.

And it's fall, which to me has always meant new beginnings, whether good or bad.

It's like all signs are pointing to NEW LIFE CHAPTER.

You know you are officially grown up when your parent feels comfortable enough with you moving in with your (pretty much) spouse that she is moving out of your childhood home herself.

And somehow, we all ended up staying in fucking town. You know who you are.

This year needs structure, this year needs normal. This mother needs me, that father needs her.

This year is my experiment with easier, with ordinary.

Yeah, we'll see.

After that, this me needs-

This me will have her own needs. And I don't have to know what they will be yet.

"'Cause it's too important, to stay the way it's been..."

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 05:48:36 GMT

I think our generation, more so than our parent's, feels more like achieving your dreams is possible regardless of age and circumstance, i.e. it's never too late for things to get better. Let's hope this trend grows with time.

As you know, hopeless/helplessness is nothing if conducive to apathy and inactivity, which only feeds the cycle. And who needs that? Indeed I am seeing more how I used to see, and that is just fine. Just fine.

Is anyone besides me, Megan, Steph and Lindz ever going to go dancing? The Escape? Fall term is just around the corner, we need to get on this.

(Honestly, most of the time, I feel like all I need is just one. A couple of somebodies -and more than that I think/hope- know what I'm talking about. And I wish that distance wasn't "in", even to those who think being "in" is "out", or pretend it doesn't affect them at all.)

I feel like all she needs now, and all I ever needed, was a little hope.

"As you enter this life I pray you depart with a wrinkled face and a brand new heart."

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 18:07:07 GMT

I now have to take not one but two not-for-credit math classes.

Under usual circumstances I would be ordering the nearest person to kill me right about now.

But yesterday I woke up in the morning, and I did this morning too.
It's like the last hot day of summer, what is every one up to???

As to why, I couldn't tell you, but I am really excited right now.

BAGEL CRISIS, PLEASE POST YOUR THOUGHTS

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 04:34:19 GMT

Okay so I work at Noah's Bagels in Lake Oswego. Almost every shift I have is a closing one. Each night, unless someone comes to pick up the bagels as a donation, around 100 bagels are thrown away. This was really tormenting me, and so every night I closed I started to take them to Jeff's apartment where he would then take them to the Rescue Mission downtown on the bus, whenever he got the chance.
But we both work a lot and have a lot of things going on, and the hundreds of bagels are stinking up the apartment when they sit there for a few days, and it's hard to take them on the bus because the bags are very heavy, and they start to add up after a while.
But I cannot let them be thrown away all the time.
I did today, and it just was horrible.
Because unlike most delis and restaurants, where they force the food to be thrown away, if someone comes to take the bagels from Noah's as a donation, Noah's lets them take them.
Free 100 ish bagels to what ev organization comes to get them.
PLEASE !!!!! If you have an organization, or other ideas of how to make use of these or even other Noah's bagels, post your thoughts. I'm at my wits end trying to do it myself but I can't let this food be wasted when the company will freely give it if people only ask for it at the end of the day.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'm going to go make a to do list.

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 05:23:22 GMT

My bedroom should actually be declared a national disaster site.
And that is a starting point.

"Where'd you go? To me?"

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 20:08:56 GMT

Yesterday was orientation! I am so excited! I'm taking this amazing class called System Earth which will be like AP Envi Sci on a way huger scale, and French 101, and Voice for the Actor 1, which will hopefully become Acting 1 after the first week when people drop things and I can switch. The book lists come out Aug. 29th, and I get a free planner, and all of my classes are in between the hours of 10 and 4, and I am just really excited. I already said that. But I am! and I'm excited over my own excitement because I didn't know if it was going to exist or not, but it does! Hurrah.

Any one can make it if they learn how to shake it!

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 06:16:01 GMT

Hey are you wishing something new?
And missing something old?
Are you trying to forget remember what you were once told?

Hey are you looking to the future?
And living in the past?
Did you mean it when you said that you wanted it to last?

To build memories you laugh
And to remember you cry
Can you still feel what it's like to want to try?

And they say they have a dream
And they know what they want to do
But no one isn't scared like me, and like you

So there is this thing called journey
And everyone's doing it
And we're all going to be some else once we've lived through it

And the truth is change and here
And the truth is something to be, and some where to go
And the truth is-

Life for pretty much everyone I know is starting a new chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

"How orderly is this magical world through which ugly girls may trudge!"

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 05:45:31 GMT

Today's Lesson (which really actually is pretty much everyday's lesson or at least it should be if one could avoid playing misery loves company games and generally being una douchbaga):

"Nothing is, Nothing will be, everything has reality and presence."

Okay so I was just reading past entries and...

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 03:52:12 GMT

It is really painfully obvious that certain things have changed, and that is very sad.

But then again I wonder if maybe it's for the best because of the time frame?

Oh, man.

I need another disposable camera before summer ends and every one leaves... no really, I promise.

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 03:46:52 GMT

So here's the thing:
I have a want to say my million unsayable things.

Sometimes I don't even have secrets with myself.

And you are the person I want to be with most, so why am I with you the least?

It's sad the way that friendly things can be seen as strange, but I do it too.

I was looking my cousin's dog in the eyes today, and it was like looking into the eyes of a person when they are having some kind of intense feeling or thought and you can't read it at all.

The solution to my earlier/present/when are they not problems might be time.

But.

Isn't it interesting to think that when you are frustrated and venting (don't pretend like you don't do it) about someone, it's likely that someone else or maybe that person is doing the same about you? (Notice: No one think I'm talking about anyone in particular -I'm not, this is conceptual- and mistake this for drama, por favor).

I heard about a game called therapy where you basically tell all of the people present what you don't like about them, and it struck me as hilarious.

Sometimes there are people that drive me absolutely insane because they remind me of how I used to be. Also hilarious.

Speaking of hilarious, I need a good, for-no-real-reason laugh.

I'm hungry. In alot of ways.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 05:47:07 GMT

"You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car."

— Harvey Diamond, author, teacher, and health consultant

don't let it happen to you, and don't let it happen to me.

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 05:29:56 GMT

Do you ever get the feeling like you just want to leave everything you've ever known?

I could be just about done here.

Do you remember the pact we made that if it ever gets to be too much, we'd just leave?

Well...

Maybe I am this way because of everything that is that way.

But I think I need this.

I do!

oh just fuck it all, I refuse to do anything but exactly what I want, bitches.

Public Notice

Tue, 03 May 2005 21:19:36 GMT

As the school I go to has blocked access to the livejournal website and I do not have a home computer, my updates and chances to see other's updates will be very limited and occasional from now on.

Give Me Something I Can Believe, Oh Baby...

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 21:20:35 GMT

I am sitting alone in Mr.Hartmann's room, it's very, very quiet, and I'm feeling less ill than I have in a while.
There is a beautiful pair of rabbits traveling the room, I am seeing first hand why we say that they hop when they move.
There isn't anything that I can do except try to take this day to it's full potential.
And do with purpose.
I'm okay with that, right now.

When A Lion Meets Another With A Louder Roar, The First One Thinks The Last Is A Bore.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 18:19:05 GMT

Me: "When you say Russel it sounds like wrestle. Like, 'wanna Russel?' Oh my god, that's probably what he says before he has sex!"
Kellie: "ha ha yes I wish my name was Russel so I could use that line!"

Our later conclusion was that Kellie's man-voiced alter ego is named Russel.

I want you to know that they will make me happy too (especially if they make you happy) and if you're ever crying or sad I will bring them in teaspoons to play on the bedsheets or in your hands (where my heart is).

A Todos Nos Toca!

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 09:18:47 GMT

Tonight= topless dance party (to rap) with Anna, Annie, and Kellie. In Anna's living room. With the curtains open.
Really, is there anything else to say?
Yes, there is.
"They should really have handles to hold when you try to drop it like it's hot." -Anna

My Mind Is Set On Over Drive, The Clock Is Laughing In My Face.

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 17:46:26 GMT

"Hey, I have a jet pack. I'm only ten times cooler than you. Okay, maybe infinity." -Anna

I got into OSU and PSU, officially, for sure! Woop woop!

I over heard my mom talking to my aunt about this and she said:
"Yeah, it is really exciting, but we're kind of freaked out too. At least I am. It's like, my best friend is going away and I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself."

Okay so I absolutely died of love for her. That is probably the sweetest thing I've heard her say.

I love everybody.

"There ain't no good guy, There ain't no bad guy, there's only you and me and we just disagree."

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 23:57:48 GMT

I think I should take a page out of Kellie's book sometimes and absolutely not give an F if someone is being mean about something I believe in, or me, or my friends, but just see it completely as their issue, let it roll off my back and not ever even think of it again, (which is really saying something about this girl, to not even think about it). Sometimes I shouldn't, but sometimes I should.
Because I think it helps foster my new end of senior year motto:
"I don't want to make a plan for a day far away, while I'm young and while I'm able all I want to do is..."
Play.

"And these two eyes that for no other, the day you leave will cry a river."

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 20:10:37 GMT

"And I know you're under me but I must confess what's in my head: to me you are the light from a light bulb that breaks sometimes, and the tender warmth inside is released into my life and it smothers me in flames that lick and scorch my face. As the smoke reaches the sky, know I'll burn for you tonight."

"When I am alone, when I've thrown back the weight from this crazy stone, when I've lost all care for the things I own, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, you are my home. Now here is what I know now, here is what I know now; my salvation lies in your love."

You're perfect, and I love you.

"When you are the anvil, bear -When you are the hammer, strike."

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 19:28:52 GMT

So I'm just going to say this, because I think, as I've said before, that I am a more private person than
I realize, and often times I think I'm being really obvious about how I'm feeling, and then if people don't respond I feel sad, like they don't care (or didn't read my mind?), but they probably just don't know. Why is this weirding me out? I'm actually kind of nervous. Er, here goes:
My boyfriend is leaving for two months on Saturday morning. I am going to be very very sad. I would really like it and feel good if my girlfriends maybe did something with me saturday night, like we all went out to 24 hour starbucks, or went in to watch movies, or something.
whoa. okay. That wasn't so hard, was it?
God, I am a strange person.

So let me explain something.

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 20:05:36 GMT

For the vast majority of people who attend protests, the goal is simply to have your voice heard and feel that the people with you marching and whatnot understand where you are coming from about whatever issue(s). I have repeatedly heard people saying "There's no point to the Inaugural protests, they aren't going to change the fact that Bush is still our president."
WHAT?! THEY AREN'T?!?!
Um, okay, everyone already knows that. That is not the point. This protest and most like it have a very general acheivable goal, providing kinship for the people protesting and sending the message of discontent and a want for compromise from a "with us or against us" administration.
I am protesting today because I want to be with a group of people that will give me hope that I am not alone in my beliefs, and because I want the message that the current president is strongly disliked by half of the country to stay out.
It sends a message that because 36 passed, and Bush won, and the republicans have the white house, people with liberal political veiws didn't roll over and die.
I'm not going to "get over it" and start accepting Bush's faulty policies for a reason as stupid as that he got elected. The half of the country that voted otherwise still exsists and our feelings haven't changed, and we're looking for compromises, not to join 'em because we didn't beat 'em.
Protests send a message, and make us feel less alone, that's the point.

"And all I care about is you and me and us and now..."

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 05:04:58 GMT

My love is going away for a while, we will miss eachother a lot but it will be okay. He wants to see his family and I want to see a little more of mine. He will come back for my play, (and stay) and my appearance will change and life will go at a fast fast pace. It's a pivotal time, yo.
For the very mean meantime,

"I chose the present. Merciless, stony, but here." -Joy Gregory

If I constantly think of what is unknown but will be, nothing but last Wednesday nights will ensue.
And I remember talking to Anna in blockbuster, and her saying that such is the time that I pick up the phone and "call one of us." And I didn't really know how to show it at the time, but her saying that and them agreeing meant more to me than alot of things have for a long time, in that regard. Especially porque the incident in question had me thinking there wasn't really anyone to turn to, and that made me realize that there was and is and has been for a while. Thank you, my girls, (Anna's SITCG, :). I'm glad we came together in time for this point in our lives.

"I think it's a cockatoo or some shit." -Dawn

Road Rage, Anna Kelly style:
(to a bad driver ahead of us)
"This person is just not okay with me."

And it's odd, I suppose...

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 23:55:13 GMT

But I think I am a more private person than I realized.
In ways that are not obvious.
I am an extremely open strangely private person.
Indeed. (?)
I do and I do not tell people how I feel about things.
Out pours of emotion make me see that I sheild more than I thought.
Perhaps because I think it's hopeless and no one will understand, or more accurately, that no one can fully relate?
Perhaps because concerns are more petty in one's head?

The funniest part is I just thought about deleting this for being too presonal, or for sounding bizarre.
oooohhh my.

I mean, I guess, that I can only see flaws in my life that aren't actually flaws in my life but huge problems in the world at large, ever-present, that affect my life.
And that isn't really something one talks about, but it seems to be often in my thoughts.
Once, I read some one else's live journal and they spoke of thinking of starving people, and the environment, and gay's and women's oppression, and "does any one else ever think about this?"
And I thought it to be utterly pretentious.
Because of course other people think about it, no use playing the martyr and besides, thinking is not doing, so it's not as though you're somehow good for thinking of people that are less fortunate, or of things that need to be helped. You're not acting on a thought by having a thought. Which, (uh-oh, this is becoming a digression) is not to say that having thoughts is futile or stupid, but that one doesn't have a claim to any kind of moral high ground by literally doing nothing more than thinking about something.
Dear God.
The point, which is now practically lost, is that I feel trapped by this lifestyle, alot. By pavement and jobs and this thing people in stupid places we call the developed world refer to as "reality", which actually is the farthest thing from it. And I feel like I don't live what I say or what I think, yet, but that I'm trying, and that I know alot of people who are. I feel like I always have to explain that I'm not trying to single myself out, or make it seem like I'm alone in thinking this way, because I don't, I'm not, and I wish that people would know that, that I know so many people who love and support me. I'm not having a pity party. I just I feel like I want a place. A place where it's okay to be who I am, where other people don't want to argue with me for wanting people to have rights, for living things to be left alone. Where me being alive doesn't mean that I'm some huge "radical" on display for criticism.

Contrary to the way it sounds, this is an optimistic feeling, because I know I'll find it.
And I would say more, but I have to leave.
This post makes me a little nervous. I don't want it to cause feelings contrary to it's nature.

Today I

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 20:28:51 GMT

let go just a little, in a good way.
am excited for tonight and tomorrow and all that is to come.
sang some christmas songs.
knew that it will be different, and it will be better.
thought.
And loved. (most importantly).

That I must/will grow a thicker skin.

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 16:21:14 GMT

I used to think that I was strong enough to get out of it.
But now I wonder if it was the strength to stay living that way that I lack.

Not to say that I would ever want to or that any one does.
But simply that it takes strength to do it, a strength I didn't appreciate for what it was before.

And I have heard it said when it was true, and I have now heard it said when it was not, and the latter has bothered me more than the former.
Because I realized that strength.
I realized I heard it once when others hear it everyday, true or not.

And I have come to the conclusion